Greenland Has Fallen

I defy you to tell me this isn't plausible

Greenland.

Back in the good times of Trump 1.0, oh how we laughed when the pompous orange windbag floated the idea of the US buying the least green land on the planet.

Then, thankfully, Trump went away, and we all forgot about that particular madness. Instead we remembered fondly the insanity of drinking bleach and swallowing lightbulbs. It seemed like there was so much madness to go around, back then, that Greenland was merely the icing on the crazy cake.

But now we are staring down the barrel of Trump 2.0 and, lo, even before he has become the Day One Dictator, the living embodiment of the ugly American has opened his idiot mouth and Greenland has jumped the queue and is now the first moronic idea out the gate, second time round.

Apparently, according to Trump 2.0, the US needs Greenland for “economic security”. Greenland’s primary exports are, unsurprisingly, fish and shellfish. So yeah, Greenland is a huge economic threat to heartland America, where the MAGA crowd live and breed and eat nothing but beef and high-fructose corn syrup.

Therefore, clearly, the economic threat is bullshit.

Highly unusual for what comes out of Trump’s mouth, I know.

Then it must be a military thing, right? Because with America it is always either economic or military. Or a military-industrial-complex toxic hybrid of the two.

But the US already has military stuff all over Greenland, so why go to the hassle of going to war with Denmark to annex a country where they’re apparently quite happy to let you build your bases in the Arctic wasteland as long as it keeps the Russians away?

Is there vast mineral wealth to be had under all that Greenland ice? Undoubtedly. But: (a) the US has Alaska to plunder first: and (b) that would imply that Trump 2.0 is capable of long-term thinking.

So WTF is Trump’s weird obsession with Greenland? Does he just really want to piss Denmark off because he didn’t get enough Lego as a child?

The world is confused. Which, let’s face it, is not unusual when it comes to Trump. But the world is even more confused than usual about the whole Greenland thing.

But I have figured it out. I know where the madness comes from.

Gerard Butler.

Between 2013 and 2019 Gerard Butler made three films with essentially the same plot: Olympus Has Fallen; London Has Fallen; and Angel Has Fallen. In these films Gerard played a Secret Service Agent whose uber-objective was to save the President of the USA from the bad people who wanted to do bad things to him (and the USA) and, in the last film, also cruelly frame Gerard for doing the bad things he was trying to stop. Gerard, because he is awesome, would duly and dutifully save the President (and clear his own name) by killing lots and lots of baddies.

It is not exactly a stretch to imagine that these films would have spoken to Donald Trump as he oozed his way towards and into the Presidency. Sitting in his private viewing room at Mar-a-Lago, chugging back Big Macs, to have his own white knight, willing to not only take a bullet but shoot thousands of bullets back, for his President, surely was a wet dream to a spineless narcissistic like Trump.

As if a man who has huge issues discerning reality from fantasy needed any more encouragement, in Angel Has Fallen, the President’s last name was Trumball.

Trumball. Trump.

In Trump’s tiny, fetid brain, Hollywood fiction had surely become documentary truth. Or at least Fox News truth because the thought of Trump watching a documentary (unless it is about him) is a bridge too far.

In this way Donald Trump came to believe that Gerard Butler was God, speaking to him through a Scottish action movie star.

The first real example of Trump’s obsession with Gerard Butler came in 2019, when he created Space Force, saying that: "Amid grave threats to our national security, American superiority in space is absolutely vital. And we're leading, but we're not leading by enough. But very shortly we'll be leading by a lot."

Space Force was created a mere two years after the 2017 Gerard Butler film Geostorm, which is about a space-based satellite defence system. A space force.

Okay, yes, in Geostorm the satellite defence system is meant to defend the whole planet.

But this is Trump, an apex xenophobic maggot, for whom the whole planet is America, so it’s not like he’s going to grasp a bigger picture.

Also, in Geostorm, the satellite system is meant to defend the earth against natural disasters, not America against Chinese nuclear missiles.

But this is Trump, so semantics or even logic are not even worth discussing. Also not discussing natural disasters means not having to discuss climate change. Which is apparently not real, in Trump World.

The main point, then, is that in Trump brain, even though the satellite defence system in Geostorm is perverted by bad people to wreak havoc on the planet, Gerard is there to save the day.

Ipso facto, if Space Force backfires horribly and devolves into a nuclear gunfight in space, there will always be Gerard to save the day. And the planet. Or, at least, the America part of it. And, presumably, Scotland for childhood nostalgic reasons.

Which brings us, finally, to Greenland. The country.

And to Greenland, the 2020 Gerard Butler film of the same name.

In Greenland, the film, when Earth is faced with a planet-killing comet, Gerard pulls out all the stops (and then some) to herd his family towards safe haven, in a giant underground bunker, underneath a US Air Force base in, you guessed it, Greenland, the country.

That this film came out about the time that Trump 1.0 started talking about buying Greenland is surely no coincidence. After all, for a man with aspirations to build a wall that partitions the 11^th most populous country in the world from the 3^rd most populous, buying the 206^th most populous (that isn’t even really a country) and then building giant apocalypse bunkers underneath it is surely a piece of cake.

Thanks to Greenland, the film, Greenland, the country, is Trump’s insurance policy in case everything turns to shit.

(I would say “get out of jail card” but he’s clearly already played that.)

For the great arsehat that is Donald Trump 2.0, Greenland is a place where he, his family, and his MAGA faithful can ride out the consequences of whatever his second term brings. Be it planet-killing comets or nuclear war with China or nuclear war with his great friend Putin or the results of denying climate change, Donald, his family and his faithful will be okay.

Okay, well maybe not his family, because if there’s only room in the bunker for Donald and the MAGA crowd….

But what of Gerard, who has inadvertently started all this palava?

Gerard is fine. As long as you define fine as being held in a windowless room beneath Mar-a-Lago, soon to be transferred to a windowless room beneath the White House, where he will be perpetually on duty to protect President Trump/Trumball from all those who would want to do him harm – which, as it turns out, will be everyone in the rational world. Again.

Yes, Gerard Butler will be driven slowly insane by how fiction and reality have become entirely interchangeable in this world, but at least he will be on the plane to Greenland, when the time comes.