Zen and the Art of Driving in Auckland
A Spiritual Guide
Driving round Auckland. Three words that can, if you let them, strike fear into the heart of any rational, sane human. And rage into the hearts of those humans with less of a grip on sanity.
And it is true that Auckland can be a difficult city when it comes to getting about, especially if you are getting about in a car. And on a bike, before the moral high ground bunch start chipping in. And also on our under-developed and malnourished public transport system too. Auckland is just not an easy city when it comes to commuting, is what I’m saying here, before advocates start advocating loudly at me.
Big picture: we, the inhabitants of Tamaki Makaurau, share a common pain-in-the-arse existence when it comes to trying to get anywhere, is what I’m saying.
And what I would like to do, here and now, is to share a few insights into making our day-to-day journeying in Auckland a more fulfilling and less stressful experience for us all.
Embrace the Alphabet. In Auckland, when you set out to drive from Point A to Point B you must accept the inevitability that in getting from A to B you will end up needing to go through Points C, D, E and so on, to the furthest reaches of the alphabet. The simple path does not exist in Auckland. Where it was once okay to turn right, will not be the case today. The road you seek is now closed off. The on ramp that once existed has vanished into thin air. The very fabric of transport shifts and changes in Auckland city, so accept peacefully the very real possibility that any journey you embark upon could very well be a journey with a capital J.
Ubiquitous Cones. The traffic cone is now a defining feature of Auckland’s landscape. Like tiny orange Rangitotos, they have proliferated everywhere. Where do they come from? How is it that they can suddenly exist, in their thousands, all lined up, on a road that needs no works? Only to disappear overnight and then reappear, just round the corner? What higher purpose do they serve? There are those who believe the cones are actually sentient beings and that the humans in hi-viz who sometimes accompany them are actually their robot minions, which is why the apparent humans are often motionless, as they recharge their batteries. No-one knows what the greater goal of the cones is. The most likely explanation is that they are herding us all towards something, some final showdown for control of the planet. There are those who believe that Aucklanders will only fully understand the masterplan of the cones on the day they awake to find that Rangitoto itself has turned orange, with a reflective silver strip halfway up. Resistance to the cones is futile, so the best thing we can do is to try and live in harmony with them.
The Butterfly Effect. Allegedly a butterfly beating its wings can cause a typhoon, which must be hell on the planet when all the monarchs are flapping about. The same theory of interconnectedness applies to Auckland’s motorway system. Here the smallest thing can lead to the largest gridlock. A Nissan Leaf pulled over to the side of the motorway, hazard lights flashing. A rainbow or an interesting cloud formation over the Te Atatu interchange. An actual butterfly, alighting upon the bonnet of a northbound Kia Sportage near Ellerslie, can lead to a tailback stretching as far south as Wiri. We must accept that we are all small, slow-moving, cogs in a vast, intricate, inefficient machine.
Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Rush. Traditionally the so called “rush” hour is when the traffic moves slower than ever. Not in Auckland. In Auckland the “rush” hour can strike at any time of the day or night, at any place. Thus, the concept of planning ahead, to avoid the “rush” hour when travelling, is futile. And embracing futility is the Auckland way.
Jason Momoa. At any given time, in Auckland, there will be at least two Jason Momoa films in production. You will know when you have stumbled upon one of these when the road you wish to use is blocked off and guarded by a bored person in a puffer jacket. You will ask them why the road is blocked off and they will tell you it is because they’re shooting a Jason Momoa film. Then they will add that they’re not actually shooting at the moment because they’re waiting for Jason to turn up, but they have no idea where Jason is. Then you will drive on, until you reach another closed off road where another bored person in a puffer jacket will tell you they’re shooting a Jason Momoa film. Then they will add that they’re not actually shooting because they’re waiting for Jason to turn up, but they have no idea where Jason is. In the Auckland scenario Jason is a mythical creature, much like a proper public transport system.
When Stop Means Go. At some stage, during your circumnavigation of Aukalofa, in your attempt to get from A to B, you will come across a stretch of road guarded, for no apparent reason, by the species known as the Stop/Go People. There will be no clues as to why this is so, for in the No Cars Land between the two Stop/Go People there will only exist cones, in a vaguely wave-like pattern. Please do not think badly of the Stop/Go People, for they are only fulfilling their destiny. Instead admire them in their binary beauty, how when one switches from Stop to Go, the other switches from Go to Stop, with almost psychic precision. In this way order is created out of chaos. Except if you are lucky enough to happen upon the Stop/Go People when: (a) they are getting bored; and (b) there is a Range Rover at the front of both queues. Then you may get to witness the Running of the Knobs, when the Stop/Go men let Go both of the Alpha-Male Beasts, at the same time, just to see what happens when they meet in the middle.
Carpark Design by MC Escher. The eternal puzzle that is Auckland traffic does not end when you get off the actual roads. Sometimes it follows you indoors, into the traffic traps known as Carparking Buildings. In a Carparking Building you can spend many fun hours trying to find your way out. There are arrows that work counter-intuitively to logic and reason, in order to guide you round and round and up and down. Sometimes the levels even change colour to help you chart your path to nowhere and then back to the same-coloured bit of nowhere you started from. Finally, you might reach a gate that not only swallows your ticket but also fails to acknowledge your very existence. The fun bit of this living nightmare is if you can imagine that you are playing a very slow-moving game of Snakes & Ladders that no-one can ever win, then in makes it marginally better.
Four Lefts Do Not Make a Right. The detour sign with the white square tells you to turn left. So you turn left. Up ahead is another white square telling you to turn left. So you turn left. Then another white square tells you to turn left. You turn left. A fourth white square tells you to turn left. As you turn left you realise you are back where you started because four lefts makes a circle. In this way the universe is providing you with a brief window of time in which to ponder the existential nature of traffic management - before you do a U-turn and look for another way out of the fucking labyrinth.
A Maelstrom of Quicksand. Like Oates in the Antarctic, there are stories of Aucklanders saying “I’m just popping into town, I may be some time” then jumping into their cars and driving off, never to be seen again. The “town” in this scenario is Auckland’s inner-city. What has become of these foolhardy souls is that they have become trapped in the maelstrom that is constructing the City Rail Link. This maelstrom is a very slow-moving maelstrom, but an inescapable maelstrom all the same. Once you find yourself in the inner-city it is like being stuck in a maelstrom of quicksand. These poor souls are now circling the inner-city, very slowly, with no hope of escape until, allegedly, the Rail Link is finished in 2026 and we all start going everywhere by train.
So there you have it, a few passing thoughts, to maybe help you cope with the inevitabilities of Auckland traffic. All you have to do now is remember every single one of them the next time you need to drive anywhere and I’m sure it will all be plain sailing.
You’re welcome.